It has been a week of being recreated from the inside and that is painful. God has brought me to the Spiritual Formation course through Regent University for "such a time as this" (Esther 4:14).
The means of being taken apart and put back together by God has been spending more deliberate time in his presence by the use of an ancient method called lectio divina or divine reading. More about that in another post. Of course, living the truth God shows you is quite another matter. For me this week has been difficult at work. We had a staff meeting followed by individual meetings with our supervisor where we each got "our ears boxed" so to speak.
My prayer all week has been that God would make me more like Jesus. The means however, is through the school of hard knocks. The kicker was the verse I was meditating on yesterday, "May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer" (Ps 19:14). Ok, I tried REALLY HARD to be "good" all day, but that is something we who are simultaneously saints and sinners are completely incapable of doing in our own strength. I blew it and felt like a failure when all was said and done.
This morning in prayer and reading the problem became crystal clear. I felt self conscious, like I was under the microscope at work. That is the crux of the matter, being SELF conscious instead of being GOD conscious. Thanks be to God for his forgiveness and grace to carry on. Monday begins a new week at work and a new opportunity to manifest God's grace.